I Am Not A Teacher.

I am not a teacher — I did not intend to be one. I think I will never be.

This is something I would have shared to a very special buddy, but I know that he is spending his time for his leisure. It is only now that he can have his time. So I will give it to him. He had given me much of his time every day. If I open this up to him, he will devote his time listening to this rant, and tomorrow when he wakes up, he will have to face another week of work. So I will allow him to take his mind off worries and troubles for the meantime. He deserves rest and relaxation holistically.

Holy Week is the time to reflect. But I did not plan to reflect on where I am right now figuratively. It just hit me: I do not enjoy teaching.

I know that this is a noble profession, a fulfilling one, and all those feel-good positive adjectives you can think to describe teaching. But I just feel this isn’t for me. And it was my mistake. Yes, it is my mistake. I let life flow and lead me to teaching. They say if something is for you, then it is for you. Nobody even bothered to ask me if this something is something I myself liked in the first place. But there is no turning back. Life made it easy for me to join the education discipline.

Years ago, I was with the BPO industry helping people over the phone. It was one hell of a job right there. People may think it was easy, but it was very challenging and tiring. Challenging to the extent that you have to think of a solution to a random problem in a split second while you have an ungrateful customer cussing at the company you represent. Tiring to the extent that every single day, you have to get like more than a hundred calls which equals to a hundred problems thrown at you. Talking about negative energy.

The pay was good, but never better.

Needless to say, i resigned from that work. I was looking for a job I could fit in. Something that would interest me. And here comes a chance to join the teaching field.

Since it was never my interest, an hour before my demo teaching and interview, I was still at home and having second thoughts whether or not to show up. I was encouraged by a good friend to give it a try. I did come late, and the principal gave me a chance to have my demonstration teaching done. I came unprepared. But hey, I passed it. I myself cannot believe it. But I was happy. Four years in private school, and I was having doubts still. I am fulfilled that there are students who appreciated what I did for them, and thinks I can inspire more people. That was a good-feel, right? I rested for a year from teaching exploring my other capacities. I tried jobs in my field creating and designing using software I am no longer updated with. I was challenged. I gave my best effort. But experience is being demanded for the tasks I handle, something I cannot provide. I have answered some tough questions, but no. My creativity failed me.

Here came another opportunity again. Teaching. I gave it a shot. After all, we do not let every opportunity pass. It call came too easy. I was half prepared for everything. But I believe I was able to pull it all off.

Now that I am back to teaching, I feel like something is still lacking. Yes, I am not totally happy. What makes me happy? I don’t know. And that is where the problem stays. I believe it is unfair for me to continue teaching even though I lack interest in it. Aside from the very low salary, the situations in public schools are not very inviting. I am not talking about our own school. I am talking about how the way education is ran in the country. The school heads and the division heads may not have anything to do with it. I do not really know. All the hard work are given to the teachers may it be physical, mental, emotional, or financial. No wonder there are teachers who gave up. They gave up either their profession, or their lives.

Why was it easy for me to enter the teaching profession?

I had interviews for management positions before, customer service, document-related, graphic design- related, and all other stuff. The interview went good. But there were candidates who have done it better than I did apparently.

I cannot stop teaching. At my age, I can no longer start anew. I have to continue teaching. You might think it would be unfair for my students because if I lack interest, it would affect my performance. That may be true. But I do give my best when I teach and assess. How can I say my best is good enough? Based on my supervisor’s ratings, and based on my colleagues who happened to be there at the back of the room while I am teaching. I am using other teachers’ room since I do not have my own room yet. And I ask them for feedback.

And the students’? My former students from the first school where I taught at still communicate with me and has mentioned about me being a great teacher, and I may be awarded as best teacher. Some said that my lessons before made it easy for them to deal with their lessons in high school. Yes, I have an advanced topic before. Parents of my elementary students cannot do their children’s assignment simply because they do not have any idea how to do those assignments. What can they provide is support. Do not worry, most parents said it helped their children develop accountability and interest in computers. To my previous students, thank you for letting me know how my lessons before made it easy for you to deal with your life now. To Orion, it is good to know that you see the value of listening on programming classes. Lyonel, for telling me that you are ahead of others in HTML class, considering that you are now in a high-calibre school in the metro. Bianca, for telling me you appreciate us, teachers; Maxine, for telling me you liked my strategy in teaching; and Glenn, for simply saying that I am the best. For those I hang out with prior to my resignation, thank you for letting me know my efforts did not go unnoticed. There were still a lot of you who inspired me and made my stay in elementary a memorable one.

Now that I am in a public school teaching the Senior High, I continue with my education as required by the law. And yes, I have post grad schooling. I will have a separate blog on that next time. To the students who have thought of taking IT instead, if it is your passion, go for it. To those who stayed by me and gave me flowers on Christmas and Teachers Appreciation, thank you. Your names are in my heart. To those who opened up with me and expressed their gratefulness, it is me who is truly grateful because you have learned life lessons despite my lack of love for my profession.

I am not a teacher. I did not intend to be one. I think I will never be. Maybe for now, I would think of myself as a guest lecturer in a school. I will do my best. But I am sure I will never be happy. Unless there will be a change. Either a change in my career path, or a change in a way I view things I cannot change.